Marriage is an ideal towards which a couple must continue to move; it is not achieved by the mere' act or ceremony of marriage. When two personalities, having had different environment, arc united in marriage, there are any number of adjustments that have to be made in the initial stages of married life. Indeed, the success of a marriage depends, more than anything else, on the readiness with which both partners adjust themselves to their new life. There are a number of factors that plays part in the adjustment of two persons in marriage. The most important of them are her personalities, the mutual ,compatibility, their socio-economic situation, family relationships, the degree of emotional security and so on. Among them is another vital factor which has a direct or indirect bearing on so m.1ny other aspects of the relationship between husband and wife. This is the sex factor. Sexual adjustment therefore constitutes the bedrock of happy and success of married life. .
One of the important pre-conditions for success in marriage is a proper and adequate knowledge about sex. Since man, rather than the woman. has to take the initiative in the consummation of the sexual union. it is all the more important for him to be equipped with the knowledge of the mechanics of sexual union. Ignorae1ce or lack of skill is not the only reason for sexual maladjustments. The woman's attitude towards sex plays an equally important role. If her reaction to any attempt at sexual union is resistance, whether it be conscious or unconscious, it is obvious t ha t happy adjustments will not be possible. It is therefore a matter where hath panics have to be in a proper frame of mind.
At times, female resistance may even be involuntary and caused by what is called genital spasm. It is nothing but an involuntary tightening of the muscle surrounding the lower part of the vagina due to physical or emotional factors. Mostly, however, genital spasm is an unconscious defence mechanism against sexual relations. Fears, inhibitions and prohibitions of the earlier life often play
an important part in causing genital spasm. The husband has to be very patient with his wife in these circumstances and bring her round through education, persuasion and understanding appreciation. There is no reaction why with a little tact the initial difficulties should not be overcome and happy sexual relations established. As Vatsyayana says, "Women being of a tender nature, want tender beginnings, and when they me forcibly approached by men... they sometimes suddenly become haters of sexual connection, and sometimes even haters of the; male sex . The man should. therefore, approach his bride according to her liking, and should make use of those devices by which he may be able to establish himself more and more into her confidence."
The importance of the gradual, psychological approach cannot, therefore, by over-emphasized.
Now, one of the commonest eomp1aints in sexual relation is hasty ejaculation. While reference has been made to this problem in an earlier chapter, it bears a detailed discussion here, because causes a sense or frustration in both the husband ;111<.1 the wife. It creates a sense of guilt and remorse in the husband as he has not been able to give full satisfaction to his wife. It frustrates the wife because she is led right up to the climax and then suddenly left unsatisfied with the result that the nervous tension which accumulates in her on account of the performance of sex act is not released. The ecstatic joy flowing from the sex act is not the: mere preserve or the monopoly of the man; it has to be equally shared by both partners. This can only be if orgasm occurs, and hasty or premature ejaculation in the case of the man prevents the occurrence of orgasm.
In the pages that follow, therefore, the problem of premature or hasty ejaculation is analysed in some detail.
Now, the complaint of hasty ejaculation does not come merely from those who arc weak in health, but even from those, who, by all appearances, are physically robust.
Its reasons are more psychological than physic31. When desire for lust is at its acutest, the ejaculation is the quickest. Little wonder, people of calm philosophical mind with slow-moving temperament, who are apparently impotent, are sexually the most potent. They can delay ejaculation as long as they desire. It is the ladies who find that they cannot keep pace with them! Smart pert ladies ejaculate earlier than easy-going philosophers.
Not an Incurable Malady
Hasty ejaculation is not an incurable malady. With a little self-psychological assurance and determination, sexual intercourse can be prolonged for any length of time. The hasty ejaculator should not despise himself. He is not at all responsible for his failings. Sometimes ejaculation occurs even before the male organ has touched a woman. A little calmness and determination not to let go the semen each time you go in for a sexual intercourse will ultimately completely cure you without any external aid.
A good deal of ignorance prevails on the subject of premature or precipitate ejaculation. People both lay and professional, speak of premature ejaculation as if it were an entity with always the same aetiology, pathology and treatment.
As a matter of fact, we have two distinct varieties of premature ejaculation, possessing a different aetiology, a different symptomatology, and requiring diametrically opposite treatments. One variety is due to a hyper excitability of the ejaculatory centre, the man being sexually normal in all other respects, that is his libido is unimpaired, the orgasm is normal, the pleasure of the act is normal, and the sensation of satisfaction and well-being after intercourse is as after a perfectly normal coitus. The unsatisfactoriness in this kind of premature ejaculation really relates more to the woman than to the man.
The second variety of premature ejaculation is of an entirely different character. Here the libido is diminished. The erections may or may not be affected. but the orgasm is invariably diminished. There is little or no pleasure during ejaculation. In fact, instead of any pleasurable sensation there may be a disagreeable scalding or burning sensation in the urethra, and after the act the man feels disgusted, depressed and generally cranky and irritable.
In the first variety of cases, the urethra and the prostate are normal, the whole trouble being, as stated, in the hyper-excitability of the ejaculatory centre. In the second variety, there is usually atom or inflammation of the prostate and - congestion of the posterior urethra. .
The patients with the first variety of ejaculation are readily amenable to treatment. Instructions to restrain, together with a few doses of sodium or strontium bromide, are generally sufficient to produce an improvement or a Core. Patients of the second variety require all the physician's skill and patience.
What happens is that in an effort to open up the vagina at once the male or can receives too muscle friction. Further more the organ though apparently erect, is not so actually, because erection also needs a few minutes. Thus the organ is not fully hard and rigid. So that urethra remains unconstrained and the passage for the passing out of semen is not blocked. Semen percolates along the urethra. Vigorous movements stimulate the nerves and precipitate an orgasm rather prematurely.
The Urethral Crest
The answer to this is adequate love-play before the act. In love-play, erection is completely secured and semen collects near the base of the male organ in the urethral crest. This, being wider. helps to retain the semen until ejaculation is desired, A hurried entry into the vagina may leave it no time to be sufficiently lubricated. So the male organ receives greater stimulation from the dry walls of the vagina. The cure is obvious. There must be sufficient foreplay to create full erection and conditioning of the male organ as well as to prepare the woman to receive it.
The pre-coital love-making is important even in marriages of long duration. Whenever there is a ca1l for sexual intercourse, there is a cry for pre-coital love-making. Also give time to the small glands inside the vaginal canal to lubricate the vagina. If this does not happen, a little jelly, or vaseline should be applied to the female parts. The vagina should be opened with the fingers and thoroughly lubricated.
Sexual Virility and the Male Organ
It is generally believed that men with nigger and longer male organs are sexually more virile. This is, in fact, not so : for, the size of the organ does not have any direct relationship with sexual strength. Men with large organs have -been known to be sexually quite weak. Conversely, men with small organs have been known to be very potent. The average length of the male organ or penis in a flaccid state is about three and three quarters of an inch. Its circumference around the shaft is about three and a quarter inches. During erection its length is between five and six inches. .
These dimensions are, however, subject to variations from individual to individual. Nor do they particularly depend on the general physique of the man. They are apparently controlled by the internal secretion of the sex
It is well, therefore, to bear in mind that the sexual function is a function is a function having per se, having its own centres in the brain and spinal cord, and its strength or weakness is not necessarily related to or dependent upon the strength and weakness of the body in general and a splendid specimen of humanity may be and frequently is a pitiable failure in rebus sexulibus.
Male Frigidity and Importance
As stated earlier, sexual capacity varies from man to man. While frigidity is more common among women. it is found in men, too. Sexual frigidity in a man merely means lack of sexual appetite; it does not mean as is often believed lack of sexual virility. A man may be sexually frigid and yet fairly virile during the sexual intercourse, Impotence, on the other hand, means the incapacity to have firm erection or to maintain it for long enough, though he may have very strong and desire for sex. Frigidity in the male is thus the opposite of impotence. In one case, the capacity is normal but the desire is not strong enough. In the other case, the desire is strong but capacity is subnormal.
Now, the general sexual competence of a man depends on a variety of factors like the strength of his libido or sexual desire, his ability to have firm erection and his capacity to maintain it long enough. Well, if his libido is weak or he cannot maintain his erection for a sufficiently long period, it is obvious that he cannot satisfy his partner who is natura1ty frustrated after the act.
Physical Factors
Male frigidity and impotence may be caused either by physical factors or by . Psychologica1. If there is a physiological reason for lad of sexual capacity, for instance, deficiency of hormones or local disorders of the sex organs or other constitutional factors, the defect can be remedied through the administration of certain hormones and vitamins and through other forms of the medical treatment. Competent-medical advice should be sought so that the real cause could be discovered and removed. Here in lies the continued happiness of the husband and wife.
Impotence may be temporarily c6lused by excessive indulgence leading in exhaustion. On account or over-indulgence in sex, one's physical powers are for a while blunted and apathy in such cases is quite normal and understandable. Some writers have actually called it beneficial. As Dr. Velde says in his Ideal Marriage, . "It is, so to speak, a natural self defence of the organism against exactions and excesses."
Psychological Factors
There are a number of psychological factors which may cause frigidity and impotence in the man. In most cases sexual incapacity is caused by emotional factors. Emotional conflicts, fear and anxieties of several kinds, neurotic tendencies and the influence of childhood and religious teachings about sex being simple are all factors which have a strong influence on the sexual capacities of a man, just as they have on those of a woman. In our discussion of this subject in the earlier chapter. we also quoted Havelock Ellis who. attributes sexual incompetence to 'incomplete social adaptation.'
Unhygienic conditions of a bedroom, fear of pregnancy, one's conception of morality and chastity, lack of response from the partner arc some other causes which may produce conditions of psychological importance. Modern civilization generally tends to produce psychosexual importance. This is probably due to the increase in the degree of consciousness, brooding and the tensions and preoccupations of modern life.
These are, however. factors which can be got over with a little attention. In any case, for the correct diagnosis of the real causes. it is necessary to seek medical counsel. Once the causes are found it is not difficult to remedy the defects. If psychological factors arc at the root of impotence. self-confidence, training in and practice of the art of love can help considerably. In any case, there is absolutely no reason to despair.
Frigidity in Women
Sexual frigidity is a rather common phenomenon among women. In the case of some women, the sex urge is not very strong. There are others who have a fairly strong urge but find little or no pleasure in the sex act itself. They may find sexual intercourse as something obnoxious except when intended for procreation. So, different women have different manifestations of frigidity. Frigidity is, however.. not a permanent state. All women are frigjd at one time or another, and quite naturally. Total frigidity is perhaps a very rare occurrence. Social, cultural and emotional factors play an important part in the development of sexual impulse. The causes of frigidity in women, as in men, must. therefore, be sought in these factors. In a civilised community, sex becomes more of a conscious activity than an instinct. Environment has a considerable influence on our sex impulse.
Again, frigidity may be the result of faulty sex education and of inhibitions and fears acquired in one's earlier life. Among the chief causes of frigidity in women, however are fear and anxiety-fear of sex, fear of pain from the sex act, fear of pregnancy or bodily injury and so on. One painful child-birth may produce in the woman a very strong dread of sex.
Quite apart from these general causes, frigidity in women may be caused by her attitude towards her own l1usband. She can hardly get any satisfaction from him if she does not have feelings of affection for him. Or, his technique may be defective and as a resu1t produce in the women an aversion for the act. His own approach towards her, therefore, plays a significant part in whether she reacts to it frigidly or with p:1ssion.
Just as the causes of frigidity differ from individual to individual, the treatment may also have to be different. In an)' case, the measures necessary to overcome the condition of frigidity would depend on the nature and cause in each individual case. Proper sex education. a reorientation of attitude towards sex. removal of baseless fears and anxieties, proper training in the technique of love and freedom from fear of conception through reliable birth control measures are some of the factors which may be of great value in arousing the latent sexual impulse of the woman.
The husband must learn through experience the actions, the delicate motions or signs, the voluptuous kisses, the affectionate hugs and embraces that produce the most effective response in the wife und arouse her sexual impulses. These have a salutary effect on her and will certainly make her an equal, active partner in relationships as indeed she should be.
The wife has an important role to play in remedying her condition of frigidity. She must reaiise that her entire happiness depends on the adjustment she is able to make in her sexual relations with her husband. It must always be remembered that sexual maladjustments may often, and actually do, lead to disharmony in other spheres of life. Lasting relationships only be built on mutual understanding, appreciation of each other's point of a view, full realisation of each other's difficulties and deficiencies and an honest effort at overcoming them to the mutual benefit of both parties. A mutual sexual response is of prime significance to harmony in married life. She must therefore make a genuine effort to stimulate her interest in sex and response to the approaches of her husband.
A word of warning. Just as a wife should not despise her husband who is sexually inadequate for her, so should a husband not despise his wife if she happens to be frigid. He must approach her with patience, try to win over and around her feelings and urge for the sex act delicately and with tender particularly in those parts of her body which stimulate her most. Particular attention may be paid to the breasts and their nipples, the lips, the hips, buttocks and thighs, which in most women produce adequate response and brighten their passion.
