Introduction

Marriage was an enigma, is an enigma. and will be an enigma for ever and ever. Nobody has ever been able to offer a reasonable, much less scientific. explanation as to why Lamb chooses Lucy and not her sister Lily. To Mr. Shepherd. Miss Lily is infinitely superior to Lucy. Human intellect fails to reduce. the problem of marriage to a mathematical for­mula. Only the heart knows the answer.

"Marriage". says Dr. Dhirendra D. Mehta, .' is not merely a means of satisfying the sex instinct; it is an institution through which one's character and personality can find their fullest expression. Tt1e most vital of relation­ships, it brings with it a sense of stability and permanence."

Men and women find their highest potential in marriage. It fulfils the purpose of life by improving the human stock. To marry is to enter upon a new nod difficult phase of exis­tence. It is not mere legalization of the sex instinct.

Co-operative Enterprise

Marriage is a co-operative enterprise of the highest order. Only when selfish pleasure seeking is kept down can the pair rise up. The partners contribute to the evolution of each other's personality.

More' often than not. spontaneity determines the choice of a partner. The mode, the method and the manner cannot be mathe­matically explained. But, it cannot be stated that it is impossible, because no scientific approach has ever been made to it. Love is like a fever that comes on unexpectedly.

Celestial Marriage Bureau It is said, that marriages are made in heaven. the implication being that there is a celestial marriage bureau in which every woman is registered as having her appointed man, both being so perfectly suited to each other that one cannot imagine either living with a different partner.

This is not always true now in the modern life. There might indeed be u Celestial Marriage Bureau. because people, particularly in the West, suddenly take fancy to each other and call for the priest. bur it is not long before they also call for the police. The beautiful fancy soon becomes an ugly fact. Far from being suited to each other they soon come to the precipice of a divorce. Little wonder. then, as Oscar Wilde believes, "Marriage is' the result of a misunderstand­ing." Understanding leads to divorce.In India, customary marriages are decided upon after match calculation and consider.1tion of a community of interests. These are made for family and professional reasons. Indian marriages usually suffer from a heavy handi­cap. because these run counter to love. More responsibility than affection is called for. It is hard to say whether eastern or western marriages are superior. Both are the extreme swings of the pendulum. It is perhaps best to strike a golden mean.

"There must be mutual attraction if the comradeship is to have a fair chance of lasting success. In the choice of a partner. it is necessary to resist feelings of more infatuation ; however. the opposite tendency should also be discouraged, that of over prudence and deliberation."

Marriages for Money

The principle of marrying 'for money is quite strong in many parts of India, parti­cularly the rural areas. In the Punjab. the stranglehold of dowry is loosening among the educated people; but the maxim of the educated gentry in Uttar Pradesh is: "Do not marry for money. Marry for love.. But be sure there is money where you love." So both direct and indirect methods are adopted to extort money. Wedding is like n cattle fair where human beings arc sold and bought. While in the West, marriage docs imply some love. however temporary it may be, in the East it is a piece of worldly-minded cynicism.

India will have to go a great way to make marriage a really human institution for the betterment of humanity, improvement of the human race, affection of the couple, and a golden heart. to-heart link. Here is a revolution which the youth must lead :­

1. Do not accept even a penny or pice in dowry.

2. Do not marry for anything except true affection

3. You have every right to select your partner, and do not leave that privilege to your parents.

4. Do not marry without having seen and known your partner. Refuse to he led behind fold into a serious life­long responsil1ility.

5. If you are a girl and the boy demands a dowry, refuse to marry him at all. Better remain unmarried a1l your life than submit to a social tyranny.

Unless the young people take a revolution­ary step to set the things right. these will never be righted. Do not depend upon the elders to know what you want. But do not be recklessly impudent or impudently reckless. There is no use going your own way by enraging your parents. In that case, refuse to marry at all. After all marriage is not an unavoidable necessity. And your parents will not live forever. Better wait and see. There arc men and women who have waited for a quarter of n century or more for the sake of true love. If the person )'lm select is in haste to marry, that is an irrefutable proof that his or her love is not true.

Marriage for Love

Froude has done a lot of research on marriages: Dr. Dhirendra D. Mehta, in his essay Psychology of marriage, has para­phrased Froude for the common Indian reader :­

"The capacity to form romantic attach­ ments is a wonderful gift. If we do not fall in love, life will be much poorer and duller. But love at first sight may very well arise from some character fixation in one's mind. The suddenly loved one has a resemblance to some person idealised in child life-father, mother, uncle, brother, sister, or even a character from literature or the films.

"The condition known as mother fixation or father fixation makes it impossible: for a man or woman to choose a satisfactory partner. The fixed individual. whether male or fema1e, is-incapable of genuine love outside the family circle and of participating fu1Jy in social life. Although it is right for a man to love his mother, or a girl to love her father, such an attachment is different from that which seeks a marriage partner. It is said that Cupid, the god of Love, is wayward. Chance more than choice determines marriages, and in this the unconscious, conditioned by early experiences, plays a decisive part."

Thus, you will realize that love marriage is not as smooth-sailing as you might imagine.

You are likely to misjudge things. You are conditioned by early experiences. An ugly girl might well strike you as very beauti­ful, if one such person was your childhood playmate and very dear to you because of her sheer kindness. Therefore, do not make your choice. Let someone you love, sister, mother. etc., also have a say in the final selection. If you marry in haste you wi11regret at leisure. Remember that infatuation is not love.

Love at first sight is a proof of immaturity. In the U.S.A. love at first sight is no longer the rule. There, girls in their teens marry rich and welI-settled people above forty. That ensures them security of life and good legacy when tile aged husband passes away. Little wonder most of the property in America is owned by women. First, they marry for wealth and power. When their husbands pass away, their second marriage may be for love."

Qualities of courage and understanding and loyalty are far more likely to lead to a lasting comradeship rather than physical attraction. One's spontaneous feelings should not he such as to circumscribe one's judge­ment, and, if falling in love one forgets every­ thing else, one ought at least to remember that one is choosing the father or mother, as the case may be, of one's future children. It is a mistake to embark upon marital life in the same way as one would plan to learn violin or to travel abroad. But an amazing number of men and women choose their part­ners as a road-builder would his rocks. Men expect their wives to possess qualities that would compensate for their own defects and inferiorities; and women choose their hus­bands -for similar reasons." .

Sexual Incompatibility

"The fear of sexual incompatibility is a modern bogey. The sexua1 relationship can attain perfection only in the absence of anxiety. Pre-marital intimacy as a means of ascertaining compatibility is no true test for this very reason."

Marriage is a specialized form of human relationship. One can never choose the exact counterpart. Perfect partnership is a myth. Always, there are sharp edges of differences between the couples and these have to be blunted through compromise..

"Courting couples need not conceal from each other the fact that their bodies crave for union, but until marriage this should be looked upon as .l test of se1f-control. Sexual compa­tibility cannot be tried out before marriage. It is a proof of love not to tempt the other to transgress beforehand:'" Actual1y sexual inter­course before marriage limits the freedom of both men and women to decide whether they made a wise choice."

Sexual Attractiveness

Beauty is not something which can he measured with a yardstick. What appeals to one person may not appeal to another. Those who are unattractive by certain standards may have a special appeal for n person with specific preferences.

Every boy and girl should be given free­dom by their parents to select the other part­ner. \\Then all is said and done, instinct is the best guide. The best period to select a partner is between the ages of twenty and thirty.

"It is delay which produces doubts, and doubts, in their turn, breed difficulties. It is much easier to understand one's children and to he a companion to them if the gap between the two generations is not too wide. It is easier for- the bachelor to adjust himself to double harness if he has not become set in his habits and too particular about his own personal comfort. and easier for the girl if she has not had time to become wedded to a career."

It is not advisable to marry a woman be­yond the age of child-bearing unless you do not desire children. It is important that both the husband and the wife have the same social background, because that will make social adjustment easier, and only psychological compromise will be necessary. But family background should not turn you away from your particular attraction.

''Lovely flowers blossom in most un­expected places. and though the god of Love is blind, his intuition is sometimes unerring."

Complementary Emotional Roles

The husband and wife must play complementary, emotional role in the house, other­wise the life of the children will not be happy. Neither of them is superior or inferior. Both of them are equal in the eyes of their young ones. Their character is compounded in their children-the flowering of a natural compro­mise. Let the couple have a cultural com­promise. The man is the head of the house and the woman is its heart.

"Differences may enrich the comradeship of marriage, but incompatibilities may prove ruinous. A realistic assessment of their selves is necessary before a pair embark upon the adventure of marriage.

"Sharing of common interests felicitates the development of a lasting-relationship. A happy understanding union brings new values and fresh perspectives. Incase of uncompro­mising complexities, the two should agree to differ.

The greatest enemy of marriage is pos­sessiveness. One should not try to 0\00 the other. Both of them should become responsi­ble citizens. The blushing tongue-tied bride is the chrysalis of the confident hostess.

The Gamble of An illusion

Marriage, even at its very best, remainsan illusion. Do not try to marry an idealization. You cannot afford to gamble away your life on the dice of reformist impossibilities. A drunkard bridegroom will never become a sober husband. It is a mistake .to marry a projection of one's inner self. Marriage comradeship must he satisfying to both the partners. Let every bride aspire , become a Sita or Savitri devoted to her husband. Robert Louis Stevenson had a wife who nursed him all his life: "My wife is everything to me: wife, brother. sister, daughter and dear com­panion and I would not change her for a goddess or a saint."